an eye for an eye

i wrote this one with no music in the background!

it’s funny, just the other day i was chatting with a classmate of mine who i see as a younger brother figure. we are both pursuing our masters in school counseling, so i guess it’s safe to assume we gravitate towards lending our ears and hearts more often than not.

as he drove me home from a class, he told me about a little sister figure he had in his life that reached out to him for almost everything. i believe he loved her and she him (not romantically (maybe)), but at the end of the day, they deeply cared for each other.

he talked me through what felt like being your typical punching bag; nine times out of ten her calls are for her to vent about the struggles and issues of being a 21 year old, and it was very clear that he was approaching his tipping point.

i told him about a conversation i had with one of my best friends. this notion that in many ways, we are taught the best relationships are those without conflict.

however, what i have come to realize (in a new light this time) was that the BESTEST relationships are those that know how to work through conflict, time and time again.

he held your typical fears:

“i don’t want to tell her no because i’m the only person she has built this much depth with you know?”

“she’s already going through a lot, i don’t want to make her feel worse.”

“i just really care about her man.”

i hit him with a few i feel yous and reflected back his reality.

“it sounds like you’re afraid to hurt her, or at the very least, make her feel bad. anddddd, think about how you feel right now. do you think she knows that? do you think she even knows to ask you about that? definitely not, and i wouldn’t blame her.

there is a pattern you both have co-created in your relationship, and that is her knowing she can come to you whenever, and you knowing that you’ll drop anything for that. it has worked in the past, but now the punches are starting to sting.”

i brought up considering the typical boundary setting, not necessarily saying i need to go away forever, but to know that by giving her this space, you are allowing her to do the uncomfy work that will give her the space to grow independently in the long run. #in-betweens

{fast forward!}

about a week after we played basketball and he told me they talked!

tldr: “she called me out dude! she actually said i’m always venting about my life, but you never tell me about anything. your family, your struggles, nothing. i want you to know you can vent to me too!”

through his brightened countenance and widened eyes, i saw what i have seen many times before: a victim of partial gaslighting (lol)

homeboy said: “she has a point. i don’t talk to anyone about this stuff, so it was nice that she’s down to hold that for me you know?”

and similarly to before, i came thru with the

“for suree, i gotchu…. ANDDDD i am wondering if there is still a conversation to be had about your boundary setting. it sounds like she may see a justification for her punching as you also having the chance to dump on her. however, as your homeboy, i don’t think using her as a punching bag necessarily solves your initial concern.

also, we open up to those we trust! not to say you don’t trust each other, but at the same time, i am curious to know what your preference is when it comes to sharing this vulnerable pieces of yourself. do you prefer someone to ask you? or do you think you share when you feel ready?”

my man looks like he just saw a ghost, who a few seconds later, gave him a warm thumbs up. seeing my boy let it all sink in was a sweet sight.

“u right. i guess i just don’t know when to bring this up. like, if we’re eating lunch, and she finishes her sandwich, do i just say ‘yoooo so like, you’ve been crossing the line??’”

“there’s almost never an objective right time and place for these conversations if you’re looking for them to feel comfy. what you’re doing is an act of love, for her and yourself. her response will be telling of if this relationship is one to be worth working on. it will probably feel like the world is crashing down on you when you do this for the first time, because you’ve never done it before! and that’s how almost everything feels when we do things we fear for the first time. conversations like this get easier the more we have them because love is a muscle. care is a muscle.”

i am excited to see what unveils in this next chapter for my homeboy.

if you finish reading this episode, i hope you continue to navigate this life with heart & backbone. continue being clear about the ways you love and support those in your life AND let them know how you are being impacted, what you need, and if it comes to it, your non-negotiables.

you’re honestly way too important to be neglected by yourself!

sending my love,

y